when all the players have gone home
When we struggle with little losses. The ends of things. The little cuts. How to make the ends of things into beginnings. I don't know, do you?
Recently I moved from the USA to Australia. I gladly came to help my daughter with her baby on the way. We talked about this. We made a good plan. She was building a network of support as a single working Mum and I leapt at the chance to be a major part of this network.
But I had not anticipated the grief, though grief is too big a word - maybe the word should be loss - or sorrow - yes sorrow - sorrow sounds gentler, the sorrow that has accompanied this move. Because the move is TOWARDS bright joy. But leaving my own kitchen and my own walls and my own art and my adopted family in the USA and my own dogs. I expected this feeling. I anticipated it. I folded it into my equation.
But knowing this was on the way does not make it easier.
Now, I am no longer the lead in my own play. The season is over. The spotlight is cooling and the stage lights are back up. When I was acting on stage or directing and we had finished the season of a play and the after-party was all done and dusted, I felt like I had been thrown into detox. I felt like I had given up smoking. I pined for the stage. I thought nothing would ever be the same again. I feel a little of that now.
The set was broken down and all the players were gone home. And I was free to take all that confidence and all that knowledge and start again. But first I needed to get over the craving. The getting back to basics. Falling out of the spotlight. Being ordinary again. It usually took a month or so.
Now I am older I feel the need to pull this feeling apart and examine it for flaws.
Neela (see below ⇣ for her article) says it so well when she says -
‘There is a strange, unexpected freedom in becoming nobody. When you stop performing your importance, you create space to actually live. When you surrender the exhausting project of being exceptional, you can rediscover what genuinely lights you up’.
In my comment I said to Neela: Maybe it is humility we are striving for - the humility to make grandmas curry, feed your people then move quietly out of the room. And boy is it hard - to celebrate our smallness quietly.
To stop being the boss of it all.
This feeling - this sorrow blended with a low grade panic of losing my way is how immigrants feel. Especially if we have moved countries alone. I did this twice. Moved countries. Actually. No. Three times now. The UK. The USA. And now Australia. I move with a couple of suitcases and my pasta machine and the determination to start again. But also determined to hold onto the people I meet and love as I travel.
Being temporary on the planet makes all this easier. This in between stage. When we have left one job, one part, one country, one group of real life friends and are not yet fully integrated into ones next job or part or country -there is this feeling of disempowerment. But we know it will not last. Do you know how it feels when you are trying to put on a chain bracelet and it is around your wrist but you just cannot get the clip to go through the clasp. Again and again we try. We feel like we should be able to get the damn thing hooked up but nothing works. gravity does not help. And if you are like me you will work on this connection for as long as it takes. I feel like that.
And I want to cry out for what I left behind. Knowing one hundred percent that at this moment I am where I should be. Knowing that what I left behind in the US is still there. (Though the fear of entering back into the USA dogs me too at the moment. Will my documentation still hold up. The fear of ICE is real for immigrants even when we know everything is in order. It is like when you see a traffic cop car behind you - guilty or not we all slow down).
I just need to give myself time to settle my roots into new soil. That’s all.
As David says in this piece: See below ⇣ for this article.
Unlike a high performance athlete I’m just doing short sprints of work painting. Yet as humans we all have similar responses to stress and motivation, whether it is art or sport finding a way to get back up again is always important.
(It is ironic that Neela and David have inadvertently contributed to my struggle to understand the sad dog following me lately. They are good friends to each other. If you ever catch their comments on each others posts their words are full of wit and humour and such care. Having a support network is critical to successful endeavours).
Beautiful people are here.
‘Finding out way back up again’. Is a lifelong endeavour. And don’t feel lonely in this - you are not alone in this - we all feel this feeling at times. Especially our brave migrant neighbours. Especially our young Mums. Or our suddenly unemployed. Or the recently retired. Or the people in the throes of divorce. Or when you lose a beloved pet. Wherever you are. Consider your support network and lean on it. Lean on me. I am here. The bonus of the inter-webs is that we are always in touch.
And wherever I am, and wherever you are, there will be a sunrise over a garden.
Join the Lounge of Comments - how did you manage that dislocating feeling of loss. You are a part of this conversation. So be brave. Join me.
And on a lighter note - while I was looking for a shot of me on stage here is me as Baron Van Wadd. Just for a laugh.
I am the one on the right!
Why is it that only the most awful shots survive the test of time. 😂
Take care and talk soon
Celi
Go HERE if you would like to read the kitchens garden blog. I write here every other day and write there every other, other day. Makes sense to me.
Go HERE to listen to me read The Blue Castle by L M Montgomery.
I add new chapters three times a week.
Here are some pictures of the city garden with the country heart a month or so ago. We will have an update this Sunday/Monday.
David (bring coffee).
Neela (bring the spice)
Coffee is the balm that keeps giving ☕🤗
Lately I've been wondering about the Earth's heartbeat - there's a natural electromagnetic resonance of the earth called Schumann Resonance which runs at about 7.8 waves per second - and since it is induced by lightning there is a real truth to the saying we are grounded when we step outside with bare feet.
I used to work with high voltage electricity on hydroelectric dams and substations - I could visibly see the difference in temperament of the men I worked with when they were in the presence of these high electromagnetic fields... they were tense and prone to anger and they talked about feeling the difference as well.
You've come out of a rural environment and now are in urban Australia so I wonder if apart from natural homesickness your feeling the zing of being in a much higher electromagnetic field - personally I refuse to live near pylons or substations but each to their own.
Wishing you good coffee and fresh grandchildren
I felt your pain reading this. Those of us with our peeps on different continents will always yearn for what and who we are missing. I had a tough time when we moved to Spain, even though I was excited about a new adventure at age 65. Once I realized I hadn't lost those I already had but had expanded my connections, I realized my life was richer. Although, I still have my moments. Sending hugs your way. ❤️❤️